I was reading an article today about a proposed law that would ban cell phones on airplanes, and a reader commented that cell phones are the new smoking. It’s funny sad because it’s true. Maybe it’s because I’m a true introvert, or maybe I’m trying to live some modern day Walden lifestyle, or maybe I just like peace and quiet, but I absolutely hate cell phones. Not just because people have a strange tendency to talk annoyingly loudly on them. I hate the very concept of being completely connected to the rest of the world 24 hours a day. I also think cell phone culture is raising a generation of rude and pretentious Bluetooth wearing kids who have no concept of personal space.

If cell phones really are the new smoking, I’d love to see restaurants with cell phone sections, where you have to sit if you’re going to yak loudly through your meal. And, office buildings with designated cell phone areas. I’m also a huge proponent of allowing movie theaters to jam cell phones so I don’t have to listen to that one idiot who has to repeat louder and louder that he’s in a movie and can’t talk right now. I hate that jackass with the passionate intensity of a thousand burning suns. Oh, and if I was a college professor and your cell went off in my classroom, guess what, you just failed the next exam. And another thing, just because it’s set to silent, doesn’t mean everyone in the room doesn’t stare at your vibrating purse when your over-possessive jackass of a boyfriend calls every five minutes. I HATE CELL PHONES. If it wasn’t for the three-hour drive I make to Memphis every other weekend, I would seriously consider throwing mine out and going back to a good old-fashioned landline with an answering machine.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 10:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

There are two ways to look at the new to DVD movie Resident Evil: Extinction. You can either see it as the best yet in the series of Resident Evil video game adapted (possibly better stated, inspired) movies, or you can see it as just another poorly executed zombie movie with bad actors and cheesy dialogue. As the former, it’s actually quite good. But that’s only because the first two Resident Evil movies were so horrendously bad. And to say a movie is good, only because it’s not as bad as what came before it… well that’s just not a glowing recommendation no matter how you spin it.

Even as the best of bad trilogy, I still found myself wincing every few minutes due to a continuous string of bad decisions made by not just by the director, but also by the writers, the actors, the makeup artists and nearly everyone else involved in the film.

I’m a strong proponent of the willing suspension of disbelief needed to enjoy sci-fi and horror movies. I’ll let myself believe that it is possible to reanimate dead tissue; I’ll let myself believe that there is a private corporation large enough to have massive city-sized underground bunkers on every continent; I’ll even let myself believe such a company could create an artificial intelligence that is capable of projecting itself, in holographic form as a small child, in any area of any of these complexes. To enjoy Sci-Fi and Horror, these are things that you must be willing to embrace. After all, it’s not that huge of leap from HAL 9000 to a computer’s manifestation of an eerily innocent looking little girl who goes on a homicidal killing spree. Then again maybe it is.

I point these things out, though, to show how far I am willing to suspend my own disbelief before I truly start to question the movie. But when Alice, played again by Milla Jovovich, suddenly finds herself endowed with psychic powers that allow her to lift heavy objects and fry the circuits of a satellite passing somewhere far overhead with her just mind, I find it impossible to play along anymore. At that point Extinction degrades into just another B horror movie with mediocre actors hamming up already bad dialogue.

All that said, if you enjoy mindless zombie killing (I do), post apocalyptic scenarios (I do) and gunfights (I do), it's still worth renting.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 11:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I’ve pretty much been dead set against the Ghost Rider movie from the very beginning. Something about a superhero who rides a flaming motorcycle just doesn’t appeal to me. Which I guess is a little odd, since I do like the Silver Surfer, the shiny silver guy who rides an atomic surfboard around the universe. And who, by the way, will be in the next Fantastic Four movie. But that’s neither here nor there. What is “here” is Nicholas Cage playing a man who has been possessed by a demon and now fights crime with his magic chain and flaming motorcycle. Also his head is a burning skull. It doesn’t take years of movie critic experience to realize this is going to be another lackluster comic book adaptation, and I was going to ignore it until I realized this: Peter Fonda plays Mephistopheles. That in itself has sparked enough interest in me to see the movie. Not in the theaters of course, but I’m pretty sure it’ll head to DVD soon enough.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 09:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Sure enough, here it is. I’m annoyed as hell. My five minute drive back to work after lunch took well over twenty minutes because people were going so incredibly slow and there were little accidents everywhere. When I got back, I was told people could go home. The town is shutting down. But I don’t want to leave because I’ll just end up in another traffic jam. My boss is from Boston, so she felt my pain when I came in bitching about the person who took a corner at three mph even though there was no snow on the road. Aaaarrrrrggg!

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 01:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Granted, I grew up in Michigan--or as I refer to it down here, the Land of Ice and Snow--but people down here go bat-shiat crazy over bad weather. Mr. Weatherman says a little snow is on the way and people are freaking out. Here’s a snippet of a conversation I overheard this morning.

Person A: Is it really going to be as bad as everyone is saying?
Person 2: Yeah, we’re supposed to get one to three inches starting this afternoon.
Person A: I’m going to get snowed in on my day off.

I have some sympathy for people here. They’re not used to it, I get that. But being snowed in after three inches is just plain ridiculous. Is it really that hard to grasp the concept of slow down and break early? I say that now, but I’ll be just as annoyed when I get stuck behind somebody doing 25 in a 55. Sometimes, the South pisses me off.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 09:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I know what you're thinking, trick or treak? Isn't it too early to be talking about Halloween? The answer is yes. Even I know that and I love Halloween. It’s my favorite holiday. In my book, Halloween even beats out Christmas and Armistice Day. I love the parties, the foods, the smells, the chance to dress up and scare the crap out of small children… everything. That said, while I was in stinky Kroger today buying a Sobe Green Tea(the first Sobe drink I’ve ever bought), I noticed they already had Halloween decorations for sale. Who in their right mind needs something like sixty-eight days to prepare for Halloween? Who is thinking, “Oh no, there’s just under seventy days left before Halloween. I need to start putting up my fake cobwebs!”? It’s still August, it’s still summer. People should still be buying little shovels and cheap plastic buckets, not miniature witches and fake skulls. Just one more reason I don’t like the stinky Kroger.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 01:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I hate Starbucks. I’d rather brew my own coffee using old cigarette butts as filters and water out of a rest stop toilet than give my money to Starbucks. It’s my last resort coffee shop, the one I go to when I just have to have a fix and there are absolutely no other options. I took my laptop to a Starbucks in Memphis this last weekend and when I tried to connect to the internet I learned they have a partnership with T-mobile, forcing you to pay for internet access. Why would anyone pay to get on the internet when there is another, independent coffee shop down the road that gives away internet access for free? The sad thing is that there are LL Bean wearing, trend-following, urbanites that sit in Starbucks and give their money to T-mobile so they can use the internet in what they believe to be the only chain of coffee shops on the face of the earth. I suppose I shouldn’t complain, it keeps them out of the ones I like to frequent—small, independent shops with a truly eclectic atmosphere, not the sterile, corporate façade that is the inside of every Starbucks. If Starbucks was a person, I would punch him in the face. I would say, “I hate you Starbucks.” Then I would kick him in the groin and steal his lunch money. Man, I hate Starbucks.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 10:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Kroger Grocery Store in Batesville:

I am writing to inform you that I don’t like you. I don’t like the way you are laid out, I don’t like your poor selection, I don’t like your funky smell and most of all, I can’t stand the way nobody who works at your store can grasp the concept that I neither have nor want a Kroger card. I only stop at Kroger when I’m on my way home and realize I need milk or mustard. Otherwise, I stay as far away from your stinky store as possible, so it just isn’t worth my time or the valuable space on my keychain for the little plastic card. However, it seems to dumbfound your employees when they ask for my Kroger card and I say I don’t have one. They then ask for my phone number so they can use that instead of swiping my card so I must repeat myself that I do not have a Kroger card and no, I don’t have a phone number of a friend who does and no, I do not want to sign up for one. After the cashier is done looking down on me for my obvious inferiority, he or she usually punches in their own phone number. I’m sure this action is against the rules, but I don’t really care since I get a little discount and the cashier gets points toward a free set of dinnerware or whatever it is they’re trying to win, everybody is a winner. Except me, because I see every trip to your stench-ridden store as a small defeat in my quest to not go into places that make me want to vomit.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 08:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I have so far discovered just three problems with driving a jeep.

1 – I’ve seen manatees strapped to riding lawnmowers that get better gas mileage than my jeep does.

2 – As some of you have already noticed, talking on the phone in my jeep is nearly impossible once I’ve gotten above the 10 mph mark because it gets so windy and loud.

3 – As I recently discovered, driving with the top down, although incredibly fun, allows everyone within earshot to enjoy what I am listening to, which makes bumping to “Angel of the Morning” or “Crocodile Rock” a somewhat interesting experience.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 08:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Me: The guy driving the green jeep in the left lane of the two-lane, one way street.

You: The asshole in the truck who tried to make a left turn from the right lane and ran me off the road.

What do you say we meet up again sometime so I can give you some driving instructions, you inconsiderate, assaholic douchecock. I’m on that road twice a day, everyday; I’ll keep my eyes open for you. It might be hard to reconnect though, since I’m going to speed like a bat out of hell to get away from any truck that even remotely resembles yours. But really, let’s do it again sometime. But maybe next time I can return the favor and drive like a blind idiot, forcing you off the road. What do you say?

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 10:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

At the risk of jinxing myself, I don’t get spam. I have separate email accounts that I use any time I have to enter an email address for something and I’m the least bit suspicious. So I get less than one piece of spam every week, and that’s total for the three accounts that I regularly use. But lately, I’ve been getting spam messages from the comment section of this site.

Very good site! See now ! Health!
Many thanks for your super site! Anal sex here!
Many thanks for your super site! Pharmacy online cheap!
Very good site! See now! Gifts!
Very good site! Home business ! Many money!
Very good site! Pharmacy online ! Rivotril cheapest!

They idea is that somebody just happened to stumble upon my site, liked it and is asking me to check out their own site. But the messages are obviously not personal and are written by somebody who speaks English as a second language. Every now and then I’m tempted to click on a link, just to see where I end up. But I don’t because I know it’s a bad idea on many, many levels. Instead I just delete it and dream of what could have been if I only would have taken the chance and seen where “Many money!” or “Anal sex here!” would have taken me.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 11:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

The first thing I do when I get out of the shower every morning is turn on the news. I like to see what’s going on in the world and check the weather forecast before I head to work. When I turned the television on this morning I was surprised, nay, disgusted to see the anchors discussing Tom and Katie’s baby. I know that over the years our culture has eroded traditional news shows to create sort of hybrid of newsworthy and entertainment information, but would somebody please explain to me why I should care about that baby and what it’s named? I watch ABC news, mostly because it’s the only channel I get, so I cruised over the their webpage to see where the story ranked on the internet. A rotating headline/picture showing the top stories sandwich Tom and Katie between two sides of the alleged Duke rape case. Am I the only one who’s annoyed by that?

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 10:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I was in the grocery store a few days ago and I saw a young woman wearing scrubs and it got me thinking. All things being equal, in a perfect world and all that jazz, what are the top five sexiest jobs? In no particular order, this is what I came up with.

Nurse/Doctor – Not the sexy Halloween nurse but the honest to goodness, scrub wearing, life saving nurse… or doctor, I’m not picky. Smart as a whip and has a passion to help others makes for one sexy woman.

Elementary Teacher – There’s probably some deep psychological reason behind this one, but I choose not to think about that aspect. Women who want to help mold the minds of tomorrow’s leaders are very sexy.

Musician – Not a rockstar; rockstars have too much baggage. I’m talking about a small venue musician who plays primarily coffee shops, dirt bars and the occasional festival. Woman + Guitar = Sexy

Artist – Yes, musicians are artists too, but I want to separate them and this is my blog, so I can do it. Painter, sculptress or whatever I’m not persnickety (good word, eh?). Creativity and talent when combined can be extremely sexy. No modern art though. Modern art just isn’t cool.

Game Designer – Seriously, what’s hotter than a chick who likes to game? Maybe an elementary teacher wearing scrubs and playing the guitar while painting a picture… maybe. With my affinity for video games, it’s only natural I would find a woman who designs them to be teh h0tn355.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 11:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Brace yourselves; I’m going to make a massive retraction that goes against everything I’ve been saying for years. As much as it pains me to say this, You’ve Got Mail is no longer my favorite chic flick. After a brief conversation with Bourke earlier this week and a viewing this evening, I have officially decided that I need to flip-flop my number one and two choices. Therefore, I say this now, Notting Hill is my all time favorite chic flick. Yes, it has a sort of formulaic plot, but it also has a decent soundtrack, superb cast playing great characters and some absolutely hilarious lines. It also has that one amazing single-shot scene where Hugh Grant walks through London while the seasons change, during which, if you look close you can watch several stories unfold. Plus Rhys Ifans has a fair amount of screen time, and any movie with a crazy masturbating Welshman who eats mayonnaise like yogurt, is a good movie as far as I’m concerned.

“Just going to the kitchen to get some food, then I'm going to tell you a story that will make your balls shrink to the size of raisins.”

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 10:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)