Johnny Rockstar

I hate starbucks

2008-11-18T17:12:33Z

I hate Starbucks with the passionate intensity of a thousand burning suns. I hate Starbucks with every fiber of my being because they took something good and pure, and bastardized it into a washed-out, sterilized corporate version of its former glory built for the one singular purpose of generating the most revenue at the least expense. The inherent stink of false atmosphere coupled with over-prized drinks labeled in hilariously faux sizing intended to appeal to the teeming millions of sheeple rub me in all the wrong directions. And worse still, the bean-burning juggernaut has left the real deal, the concept from witch this doppelganger emerged from, all but extinct.

I want an atmosphere with a just the right amount of grime around the edges; a few wayward grounds on the floor, messy piles of yesterday’s newspaper, and razor thin coatings of dust on the window sills let you know there are other priorities than sterile conformity. I want a real atmosphere; not one masterfully put together to look inviting but secretly designed to increase customer turnover time.

I want a real person behind the counter not a smiling throng of true believers rallying for the corporate cause, espousing thinly veiled cheap slogans and the virtues of over-priced branded merchandise. I don’t need a fancy barista who attended company-mandated training. I want a college kid trying to make ends meet who won’t try to upsell my short cappuccino with flavor shots, because if I wanted flavored syrup I would have ordered it in the first place. Further more, I certainly wouldn’t try to mix it with a cappuccino. A latte? Possibly. A mocha? Definitely. But certainly not the most hallowed and simple mixture of coffee and hot milk.

I don’t want to be looked down upon for ordering the smallest size and sipping for flavor rather than gulping from a cylinder shaped trough to feed a sugar and caffeine addiction.

I want dim. I want freshly baked from scratch. I want a pile of empty mugs and small crumb crusted plates sitting in the bus bucket. I want to revel in a grandma sitting next to a punk across from a bookish student who reads textbooks kitty corner to a counter culture group playing cards in the corner next to a couple killing time before their movie begins. I want an environment not thick with merchandise. I want everything that is not Starbucks, because I hate Starbucks.

Medical Report

2008-11-13T21:20:33Z

I went to the doctor yesterday to have a mole looked at (got referred to a dermatologist, but I’m sure it’s going to come off). Even though I was just there for the mole, I went through the regular physical stuff too—weight, temperature, pulse, etc. When it came for my blood pressure I was something like 114 over 76. They used to say 120 over 80, but it’s changed to 115 over 75. So I’m pretty close to being spot-on. Take that LDL.

I just got up from my desk; apparently two co-workers here got married on their lunch break in the service area of the local John Deere dealership. There’s a John Deere ice cream cake for them in the break area that I had to check out. Looks tasty, but I’ll pass.

My weight had gone up about three pounds, which I figure correlates to my pushup routine and walking a little more often since I’m pretty sure my gut has actually shrunk a little. All in all, we probably spent more time talking about my vitals than the mole, but in case you were wondering the doctor said I am really healthy and don’t need a flu shot, vaccination or any exam.

Is it you?

2008-11-10T21:58:44Z

I bought my first Christmas present of the season today, which is a big deal since I generally don’t even like to admit one holiday exists before the preceding one is over. But the planets aligned and circumstances dictated I buy now. So I did. And now one of you faithful readers has a present ordered.

Flavor Crystals

2008-11-07T16:32:21Z

I like hotdogs. Nay, I love hotdogs. Sure, I also like more sophisticated foods that can’t be found already warmed in gas stations at two o’clock in the morning. But for my money, it’s hard to beat a good hotdog. Last weekend we had lunch in a restaurant that specializes in hotdogs. Kathryn had a #34, which I think was a hotdog with pickles, relish, and coleslaw. I had the Southsider, which was essentially a chilidog with cheese and onion—much like a Coney dog from back home. But the menu also had nacho dogs, pizza dogs, the always-delicious Chicago style dog and even more creative dogs like the Paul Harvey (Thousand Island dressing, bacon bits, green relish, onions, pickle spear & celery salt.) or Jimmy's dog (Cream cheese, onions, sports peppers, relish, celery salt & Jimmy's Sauce). Seriously good eats if you ask me.

A few weeks ago we went camping, and for dinner one night we had low-fat kosher dogs cooked over the fire. Curiously, when we bit into them we found lots of tiny, whitish specks on the inside. I can only assume they were flavor crystals because they tasted pretty darn good for being low fat.

Chili

2008-11-03T16:01:17Z

Unfortunately, it’s warmed up again down here. After a week or so of being pleasantly chilly, we’re back up to 75ish during the day. Not exactly my type of fall weather, but we’re getting there. I have been able to comfortable wear my hoodies some evenings, which is nice. Despite the recent heat wave, I’m switching to fall foods and I plan on making a big pot of chili tonight. Hmm, hmm, hmm. You show me somebody who doesn’t like a warm bowl of chili on a cold fall evening and I’ll show you a damn liar.

In other news, in case you live under a rock, this was Halloween weekend. And as everybody knows, Halloween is my favorite holiday. This year we baked the infamous kitty litter cake and went to a party dressed as a Ceiling Fan and the famous Midwesterner, Joe Six-pack.

Jerk Drivers Rant

2008-10-29T20:59:36Z

Maybe it’s just Batesville, maybe it’s just Arkansas, maybe it’s the whole country, or even the whole world—but who doesn’t know that you’re supposed to pull over for emergency vehicles? Several times lately I’ve seen cars not pulling over for ambulances. It drives me crazy. I hate type A, aggressive drivers anyway. But these selfish jerks are the worst.

In the extremely unlikely chance that Arkansas had no laws about emergency vehicles I did a little research. It only took me about five minutes to track down the emergency vehicle section of the official Arkansas Drivers Education Study Guide.

“Drivers should pull over to the right edge of the road, or as near to the right as possible, when you see or hear an emergency vehicle approaching from any direction.”

Note that any direction part. I very, very rarely see people here stop when the ambulance is coming from the other direction. Who knows where that vehicle might be turning, or when it might have to swerve into the middle of the road to avoid another jackass who won’t get over.

When I’m in charge I’ll have lasers mounted to the hoods of all emergency vehicles. If somebody doesn’t get over… ZAP! Then they’ll have to pull over to fix a recently exploded tire.

Click the jump to view a graphic of my other complaint for drivers around here.

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Study this diagram of an intersection I go through several times a day.

I want to turn right. The Jerk wants to turn left. The light is green. Who has the right of way? Me of course, but I can’t count how many times the Jerk has cut me off at this intersection. I’ve also been stuck behind somebody in the me position, who won’t even try to go until the person in the Jerk position clears the intersection. I don’t know which is worse, but it clearly shows there is some confusion in the town as to who has the right of way.

Long Lunch

2008-10-27T19:55:10Z

I accidentally took an extra long lunch today. Having come over from Memphis this morning I was a little tired by lunchtime. No big deal, as I’ve done before on other Memphis days, I set the alarm on my phone and took a powernap on my couch. Only today I forgot that my phone was set to silent so I didn’t hear it buzzing to wake me up. I got back to work a full 45 minutes late, but as I was walking up to my boss’s desk explain what happened she immediately asked me to look at a new ad proof. Since she was already at lunch when I left, she didn’t even know I was late getting back. I explained anyway sort of for giggles but mostly to CYA just in case. In yet another testament to how cool my boss is, she just laughed.

Back again... again

2008-10-21T22:22:54Z

Chronicling my life, six panels at a time…
In glorious monotone…
With names changed to amuse the innocent…
Displaying no less than three emotions…
Without further ado…
I give you…
New Johnnyrockstar Cartoons

Best Tricycle Ever

2008-10-21T19:16:12Z

Learned something new at the post office t his past weekend. Apparently the local John Deere sells tricycles with 10,000 mile or 10 year warranties. Apparently the customer in line ahead of me had one a few years old with some rust on the seat. He took it in and got the seat replaced free of charge. Interesting, though I’m not sure how they would measure the 10,000 mile aspect.

Gonna Get My Organization On

2008-10-15T22:19:28Z

Several months ago, in an effort to clean up my living space, I took all my DVDs out of their cases, put them in sleeves, and stuffed the whole collection into a box. In alphabetical order of course. The move definitely cleaned up my living room, but I can’t browse my selection very conveniently now when I’m not sure what I want to watch. So today I created an Access database to catalog and manage my collection. Now I have to input the title, synopsis, stars, genres and poster art for every DVD I own. I don’t have the biggest collection, but I’ve got enough that it will take an evening or two. But it’s worth it because every time I get something new, I can just add it to the database, run a new report and print to pdf. Viola! Instant browsing even when all my movies are closed up in a little black box.

Huzzah for Pasty Season!

2008-10-14T21:43:08Z

Last night Kathryn and I went on a pasty making rampage. Any time we make pasties, we end up with leftover filling. I don’t know why. We follow the recipe exactly, but there is always way more filling than dough. Normally, I just plop the leftovers into a frying pan, crack a few eggs over the top and have a few hearty breakfasts. But last night we weren’t just making pasties for ourselves. No, this was much bigger. Kathryn was making them for a group dinner with friends later in the week and I was making some for a co-worker whose mother is about to pass away. We didn’t want to waste any filling so I decided to triple the dough recipe just in case. Turns out, that wasn’t enough. I had to quadruple the dough recipe. That meant nearly an entire bag of flour and almost two full boxes of butter sticks. Needless to say, my fridge is stuffed with pasties right now. Even after giving a bunch of way, I’m still going to be eating them all week. Good thing they’re so damn tasty.

Small update

2008-10-13T19:28:27Z

The office is rather empty right now because the up and ups are in Germany all week. At the moment, I’m writing an article on kitchen herb gardens while listening to The Polyphonic Spree. Some might say this is the sweet life, which I’d be hard pressed to deny. The only detracting factor is I think I’m getting sick. I’ve got that nasty, queasy feeling in my insides. I’m a little afraid I’ll wake up tomorrow feeling downright ill. Until then I’ll deal with my queasiness, and focus on Light & Day, rosemary and thyme.

Saucy Puppet Show?

2008-10-07T15:26:26Z

You bet! We saw Avenue Q this weekend, and I have to say, it was one saucy puppet show. Also, it happens to be my new favorite musical. Not just because of the sauciness. The songs were great, characters funny, and it focused on a fresh-from-college English major looking to find himself. Sort of like yours truly was a few years ago… and in some ways still is. Of course there are a few differences like I don’t sing nearly as much, I’m not a Muppet and my upstairs neighbor isn’t a porn-addicted monster.

Before the show we went out for a nice dinner and apparently the ladies at the table next to us were doing the same thing. Overheard: I’m glad someone to me it’s going to be fun and it’s going to be raunchy. That’s exactly what I need for a girl’s night out.

Raunchy? Maybe. I guess it depends on whether or not you consider graphic Muppet sex to be raunchy. I prefer to think as full frontal Muppet nudity as saucy. I'm mean sure there were exposed nipples, but they were covered in fur after all.

The Ham

2008-10-01T19:22:55Z

A Haiku

Heavenly pork meat
Sugar glazed and spiral cut
Devoured too soon

Choose Your Own Adventure

2008-09-29T16:44:05Z

Remember choose your own adventure books? Me too; those things were awesome. Sunday morning Kathryn and I played the choose your own adventure book of the 21st century—a choose your own adventure movie. We pretty much made every mistake possible before getting it right, but it was fun. Some of the outcomes seemed kind of arbitrary, and there was definitely more of a “that’s not what I would do” feeling than I ever remember getting when reading a book, but I still think it was pretty damned cool. Plus, I’m always a sucker for zombies. I’d like to see more of these—maybe with a slightly bigger budget and professional actors. Not that these guys didn’t do a good job, it’s great for what it is. If someone like Lions Gate put out a DVD with three or four 20 minute choose your own adventures from various genres, I’d be all over it.