Kathryn and I took off for the Ozarks this weekend. she climbed on my back as we hiked 50 miles in the early morning sun. All we were wearing was a dirty canvas. We found the perfect spot unfourtunatly it was crowded with many campers. unfourtunatly for them that is. but Just as I was about to unleash my fury the lovely Kathryn looked into my eyes and my seething anger was extinguished. apparently she does not enjoy sleeping on the bloody graves of those I have conquered. And So we ventured forth. I used my cat call to lure a nearby giant Puma. whose teeth I later would put to good use. It was at this point that the inevitable happened: the sheer strength exhibited by my display of manliness caused my shirt to burst apart into tiny shreds. Sweat poured down my hairy chest and I howled savagely like a wild beast. I then called upon Thor, The God of Thunder, for a Lightning bolt from the heavens to warm us.
I proceeded to uproot the many tall burning oaks and layed them in a clearing. then I found dozens of sugar beets crushed their sugaryness into two giant marshmallos which I toasted on my bare fists . We slumbered peacefully under the stars. I awoke suddenly because I felt a presence of which I had not felt in a long long time. I knew right away that I was due for battle. On the horizon I saw a figure. A figure I had not seen in a long long time. It was Clem, The rabid Ozarkian. At least that is what he called himself when I knew him but he would be known to the world as Chuck Norris. As I headed for my prey I noticed all the woodland creatures had already vacated. They knew what was to take place, they could smell it on the wind.
Clem Suddenly roundhoused me to the head rom out of the trees, but having taught him that move I deftly bit off his foot, clubbed him to death with it and following that I planted the Puma teeth into his head and used him to chop down fire wood. This next part I clearly remember I gathered Kathryn in my arms and we sipped cocoa and then it got really exciting. The End

Hey we should turn this into a MADLIB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hell yeah we should. This version has a distinct "Deliverance" feel to it that I dig. The only thing you're missing to really spice up the page is a link or two for, say, recipes for tooth-dust cake.

Kathryn and I took off for the Ozarks this weekend, led by a toothless pygmy guide. Our second day in the mountains we were attacked by a pack of insane gypsies. I managed to fight them off with the corkscrew attachment on my swiss army knife, but they escaped with all our supplies. We managed to knit a couple of blankets from my pubic hair, and we had our guide's left arm for dinner (he was missing several fingers and other extremities from previous excursions).
The next day we came across an inbreeding farm. Several of the farm's denizens lived in the pond behind the shed because their skin couldn't tolerate contact with air. The kindly three-armed man that worked the farm fed us something that tasted strangely familiar and gave us directions home. The last thing I remember was heading down the mountain path towards the car and wondering where our pygmy guide was.

Operation naked candygram has to start soon. Think about it.

Johnny;
sounds like you had your lips in the jar to much,you know, good old mountain dew, the kind to revnurer want to take out ... paw