Johnny Rockstar

Bored? Have access to the internet? Try this little game. Find some text, I used the post about Johnukah, then find a free translator. Have your text translated into German. Now take the German text and have it translated back into English. Read the hilarity that is bound to ensue. Wash, rinse and repeat until you’re sick of poorly constructed sentences and strange words.

“This Friday on the 21 July, marks the largest holiday in the story of the world - Johnukah. Traditionally Johnukah with the birth story of Johnny begins when through mother Jamros told has. Then there is the Mongolen BBQ festival meal that is followed by the giving of the gifts and the meal of the cake (white leaf cake). At a point during the day, solemn video-game usually are played. Then evenings the festivities begin really. Solemn cigars are smoked while many reveler eggs are drunk, after, that wildly urkomische calls are placed. Traditional Johnukah songs close John steps donkey, Johnny B. goods, Johnny tar also if Johnny Marschierenen home comes again, became evil Johnny and baby back. Traditional Johnukah games close video-game, drink the games and hides, also and seek.”

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 03:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Allow me to get sappy for a moment. Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy Johnukah. I wasn’t expecting to hear from quite as many people as I did and it really made my day. It’s nice to know that even though I don’t see my friends and family very often anymore, they still care about me.
/sappy

For no other reason than to clear away any sappy residue and/or take up some space, here’s a list of upcoming must-see movies.

Snakes on a Plane (Yes, I am dragging you to see this)
Pathfinder
Talladega Nights
Jackass Number Two
Beerfest
The Protector

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 09:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This Friday, July 21st, marks the greatest holiday in the history of the world - Johnukah. Traditionally Johnukah begins with the birth story of Johnny, as told by Mother Jamros. Then there is the Mongolian BBQ feast, followed by the giving of the gifts and the eating of the cake (white sheet cake). At some point during the day ceremonial video games are usually played. Then in the evening the festivities really begin. Ceremonial cigars are smoked while many libations are imbibed, after which wildly hilarious phone calls are placed. Traditional Johnukah songs include John Kicks Ass, Johnny B. Good, Johnny Tar, When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again, Angry Johnny and Baby Got Back. Traditional Johnukah games include video games, drinking games and hide and seek.

Quick Facts:
Johnukah dates all the way back to 1980 AD

Johnukah was first celebrated in Michigan

Historians believe at least one Johnukah was celebrated with an armadillo shaped cake

The day after Johnukah usually features a breakfast of Pepsi and leftover cake

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 08:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

In the beginning there was nothing. Then one day a whole lot of something mysteriously appeared, ruining the peaceful existence that nothing had had for so long. Unfortunately for the nothing, the something didn’t stop after disrupting just a little nothing; instead the something grew and spread though more of the nothing.

However, the nothing was so huge and no matter how hard the something tried, and no matter how big the something got, it could never fill the nothing. But the nothing was nothing if not giving and the something and nothing have learned to live in near harmony. Only occasionally does the nothing get annoyed when the something becomes advanced enough to hurl smaller somethings into the nothing in order to see if there is something else on the other side of the nothing. Generally the something does find something on the other side of the nothing, but sometimes the something only finds nothing.

Let’s recap—at first there was nothing, then suddenly there something. This new something was deemed to be a universe. Since the universe is something, then even where there is nothing, there is something. So there is no longer nothing but only something. Even where there is only nothing, there is something and that something is nothing. It’s all a bit confusing, but when you have nothing, you actually have something; you have nothing.

However, that is not to say that if nothing is something, then there has always been something. Just as sometimes nothing can be something, something can be nothing. In the beginning there was something, and that something was nothing. Then in the middle of all that nothing, something mysteriously appeared, ruining the peaceful existence that nothing had had for so long. This brings us back to the beginning, which in itself, is quite something.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 03:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

A couple weekends ago I had a jar of peanuts and a bottle of rootbeer for dinner. What's the least traditional dinner you've eaten lately?

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 09:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

While searching for a particular publication for work today I stumbled across a journal published by the CDC entitled the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. After some quick poking around in the QuickStats section I discovered that accidental death by poisoning is up 52.3 percent while accidental death by fire/burn is down 7.7 percent. So my chances of accidentally burning myself to death is quite a bit lower than my chances of accidentally poisoning myself. Good to know. Something else I discovered—writing for the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report has got to be the most depressing jobs ever!

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 03:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Kroger Grocery Store in Batesville:

I am writing to inform you that I don’t like you. I don’t like the way you are laid out, I don’t like your poor selection, I don’t like your funky smell and most of all, I can’t stand the way nobody who works at your store can grasp the concept that I neither have nor want a Kroger card. I only stop at Kroger when I’m on my way home and realize I need milk or mustard. Otherwise, I stay as far away from your stinky store as possible, so it just isn’t worth my time or the valuable space on my keychain for the little plastic card. However, it seems to dumbfound your employees when they ask for my Kroger card and I say I don’t have one. They then ask for my phone number so they can use that instead of swiping my card so I must repeat myself that I do not have a Kroger card and no, I don’t have a phone number of a friend who does and no, I do not want to sign up for one. After the cashier is done looking down on me for my obvious inferiority, he or she usually punches in their own phone number. I’m sure this action is against the rules, but I don’t really care since I get a little discount and the cashier gets points toward a free set of dinnerware or whatever it is they’re trying to win, everybody is a winner. Except me, because I see every trip to your stench-ridden store as a small defeat in my quest to not go into places that make me want to vomit.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 08:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

For anyone who didn’t know, I spent the last week in Alabama helping my grandparents pack for their big move back to Michigan. Many boxes were lifted and many drinks were drunk. It ended up being a nice balance between back-breaking hard work and side splitting good times. Wednesday night Sarah, Bryan and I found a small oyster bar and Bryan and I ate 24 oysters each. Pictures to follow at some point. I also learned how to skim board and have bruises and scratches all over my legs to prove it. Including one oozing spot the size of a half dollar on my right knee. Good times.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 08:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I have so far discovered just three problems with driving a jeep.

1 – I’ve seen manatees strapped to riding lawnmowers that get better gas mileage than my jeep does.

2 – As some of you have already noticed, talking on the phone in my jeep is nearly impossible once I’ve gotten above the 10 mph mark because it gets so windy and loud.

3 – As I recently discovered, driving with the top down, although incredibly fun, allows everyone within earshot to enjoy what I am listening to, which makes bumping to “Angel of the Morning” or “Crocodile Rock” a somewhat interesting experience.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 08:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)