A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says "Do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate says "Arrr, it's steering my balls."

Only one?

A baby seal walks into a club...

Q: Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new wife?
A: Neither has he.

So this dude walks into a bar downtown, and orders a drink. It's pretty clear he's in a bad way, and it's probably got something to do with a woman. Bartender serves him something harsh, and he sets to it. Guy with glasses over in the corner's nursing a beverage himself and reading the paper, walks over and, not unkindly, asks the glum fellow what's wrong. Sure enough, it's a sad and winding tale of a woman what done him wrong, which comes to a close several rounds later. Guy in the glasses looks at him, nods sagely, and says: "Yep, I know that story all too well. But, unlikely as it sounds, I've got just the thing to cheer you up." The beleaguered man, now listing a bit to starboard, looks up at him incredulously as his companion reaches into his pocket and solemnly presents him with a single black feather. "What's this?" he says (a bit blearily).

"This... is an enchanted feather. I honestly don't know how it works, but it does, and it's a secret I usually guard very closely. For you, though, I will demonstrate its powers: with it, I can jump off of the highest heights, and float slowly to the ground. It's really quite relaxing." Feeling put on, the man protests this ridiculous claim, but the other man continues to maintain its truthfulness. Eventually a demonstration is called for. Both men, quite tipsy now, manage to find themselves on top of a very tall building. At this point, the brokenhearted man, feeling the rush of wind, and not at all certain this is a good idea anymore, announces that yes, he does believe the nice man with the glasses, and if he would just get back on the elevator headed down, the next round was most certainly on him. "Nonsense," came the slightly slurred reply, "I'll be but a minute." And he walked, holding the feather upright, straight off the ledge. Afraid to look, the other man contemplated his future for several moments (he now had the death of a cheerful drunk on his hands, in addition to everything else) and was astonished to find, when he finally did look, that his companion was merrily floating, just as he said, down to the ground.

About fifteen mintes later, the man with the feather steps back out onto the roof of the building to join his new friend. "That's amazing!!! That was really all because of that one little feather?"
"Indeed, my friend" he replied with a twinkle in his eye. "Can I try that?" he stammered out, having lost all fear at this point. "Certainly. All you have to do is hold the feather straight up, and the rest is taken care of." With that, the man picks up the feather, confidently walks straght off the edge of the building, plummeting instantly to his death.

A short while later, the man with the glasses walks back into the bar (twirling his feather through his fingers) takes his seat and calmly goes back to his paper.
Bartender walks over to him, shakes his head exasperatedly, and says: "Superman, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk."

Also: Two guys were hiking up in the mountains, when one of them came across a hole in the ground. He casually kicked a stray rock towards it, listening for it to fall. Hearing nothing, he spied a bigger rock, and, lifting with both hands, managed to toss it down. Still: no sound. His friend came over, saw what was happening, and the two of them together picked up small boulder. Still no sound! Curious now, the two of them looked around for the heaviest object they could drag over, without hernias, and settled on an old railroad tie.

Between the two of them, they managed to drag, scrape, push and carry this thing over to the hole, and dropped it in. Still no sound!

About five minutes later, when both of them were ready to shrug it off and keep going, a goat came charging clean out of nowhere straight towards them. Dust clouds flying, making all inds of racket, the thing cut a beeline, not veering off course in the slightest. The guys backed off considerably, and watched dumbfounded as the goat charged right into the hole, diving headfirst.

After the shock had worn off a little, the young men couldn't help but laugh. They walked over to the hole to listen, and still there was no sound of impact. Another 10 minutes or so went by, these guys were still laughing in disbelief, when a grizzled old mountain caught sight of them, and came over. "You boys seen my goat?" he asked. They told him their incredible story, about the goat that charged right at them, and then dove straight into that hole over there. Mountain man looks at them, shakes his head and responds: "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was tied to a railroad tie."

An albino guy walks into a Bar all down in the dumps. The Bartender tries to tell the Albino guy a joke but the Albino doesn't laugh. The Bartender says, "Come-on, lighten up."

Here's two from What About Bob?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I

A guy is in s psychologist's office and the psychologist says, "okay, we're going to do some free association. I'm going to show you a picture and you tell me what you see, giving one word answers."
The guys nods and the psychologist shows the guy a picture of a house with a picket fence. The guy says "sex."
The next picture is of a man walking across the street. "Sex," the guy replies.
The third picture is a donkey eating thistles. "That's definitely about sex," the guy says.
The psychologist sets his pictures down and says, "Well, I don't think we need to look at any more of these. You obviously have an obsession with sex."
The guy replies, taken aback, "Me? You're the one with all the dirty pictures!"

so a goldfish walks into a bar

bartender says what can i get ya

the goldfish says... WATER

For those of you who have lived in Texas , you
know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the
time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking
lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced

Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer.
*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
*****************************************************

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.
*****************************************************

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly, Jed says. "When she opened the door I said to her, You must be Steve's widow." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Genie of the Lamp

While walking in the desert, a Canadian farmer, Osama Bin Laden, and an American engineer happen to run into each other. Before anyone can react to their meeting, a great devil wind swirls around them and the famous Genie of the lamp appears.

"Because you have found my secret resting place, I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes,” says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer; my dad was a farmer; and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, can come into our precious state."

Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries..

American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall".

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out, it's virtually impenetrable."
The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

Pooooof!

Two muffins are just hanging out in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Sure is hot in here." The other muffin turns to the first muffin and screams, "Holy S***, it's a talking muffin!"

Here's another psych joke.

Two men are escaping from an asylem for the criminally insane. The two men scramble across the roof tops of their prison until they get to the final leap to freedom. A 14ft gap separates the roof of last building and freedom. The first guy says "No problem, I can jump this. This is easy."

The Second guy has acrophobia and gets vertigo. "there's no way I'm jumping that shit!" he says, and starts getting hysterical.

"Alright, alright," says the first guy. "I tell you what we'll do. I'll jump it, and when I get to the other side I'll just turn on my flashlight and you can walk across on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm crazy?" says the second guy. "You're just gonna turn it off when I get halfway across!"

That talking muffin one is pretty good

2 Jehovah's witness knock on a elderly woman's front door. The woman answers the door and the 2 immediately proclaimed, "God sent us to tell you about the good word." The woman responds, "That's funny because I spoke to God this morning and he didn't say anything about you coming."