Fun Fact:
Styrofoam coffee cups are great for bailing out the stagnant pools of water that form in a jeep after it's been left in the rain without all the sides on.
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May 30, 2006
May 26, 2006
Strikes and Gutters
Even though I'm pretty sure this is going to spiral into a massively confusing task for myself, I've scored the first frame on the The Big Lebowski inspired leaderboard. Strikes for the jokes that really tickled my fancy, spares for anything submitted and open frames for nothing. And I must say, I was a little dissapointed that my sister didn't tell her, "Why the long face?" joke. Also, bonus cool points for nobody submitting a cheesy pun. Finally, when I get that awesome combination of free time, energy and drive, I plan on making the board interactive with bios and whatnot.
May 24, 2006
I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore
Okay, so I’m not mad as hell, but I am in a one hullofa grumpy mood today. I can tell I’m in a bad mood, well for a lot of reasons, but especially because when I read this, it hardly fazed me. On a normal day, I’d be all about it. Unfortunately I’m sort of between projects at work right now, which leaves me with nothing better to do than sit here and stew in my crankiness. I’m hiding at my desk listening to dark songs with the volume on my headphones cranked way up. I only wish my volume went up to eleven; that would be great. As it is, my ears are in a little pain, but I’d rather deal with that than have to actually engage anyone in conversation at the moment. As easy as it is to sit here brooding all day, I really don’t want to stay in this funk, so tell me a joke. Give me your best, cheesiest, bad joke. I lost the ability to edit the leaderboard in the great Linux/Windows debacle of ’06, so whoever comes up with the joke that makes me laugh the hardest will get the first points on a new leaderboard. Also, the new board will have a set date on it and whoever has the most points come that time, will get some sort of something displayed in the header for a week.
In other news, there’s talk of a new photo-scavenger hunt at my internet-life-partner’s site.
Update:
New board is up and instead of a date it's a set number of questions. I may start naming multiple winners so there aren't so many open frames.
May 22, 2006
A few random thoughts
I feel like posting something but I just don't know what to say. So here are a few things that have been running through my mind today.
This past weekend was wicked awesome to the max.
This is simultaneously one of the funniest and saddest little cartoon drawings I’ve ever seen.
Saturday evening I fed some racist ducks.
Tonight I have big plans to make a massive roast beef sandwich on a sourdough baguette.
Sometime this week I plan on going to the cemetery to experiment with black and white photography.
May 18, 2006
Dwyer’s rocking out on air guitar
Songs I've heard today:
Furry Old Lobster - Jonathan Coulton
99 Red Balloons - Goldfinger
Viva Las Vegas - Elvis
Guitars, Cadillacs - Dwight Yoakam
Skullcrusher Mountain - Jonathan Coulton
Scarlet Begonias - Grateful Dead
Vineyard - Jack O Pierce
Far Away Boys - Flogging Molly
Frontier Psychiatrist - The Avalanches
What have you been listening to?
May 16, 2006
Thought Process
Last night I received a phone call about an hour after I had gone to bed. Though I was happy to get the call and ended up having an important and meaningful conversation, it took me a long time to figure out just what the hell was going on. This is the thought process that occurred after I realized I was no longer asleep… more or less.
What was that noise?
Where am I?
Why is it so dark?
What’s going on?
There’s that noise again
Did I go to bed?
Should I be getting ready for work?
No, it’s too dark
That noise is my phone
What time is it?
Where is my phone?
My phone is on the nightstand
Where is the nightstand?
Okay, found the nightstand and my phone
Oh no, it’s plugged in
How do I unplug it?
Got it
Who would be calling me?
Quick, wake up and act like I wasn’t sleeping
I was kind of out of it, so I probably sounded like an idiot for most of the conversation. But that's alright, it wasn't the first time I've sounded that way and it certainly won't be the last.
May 12, 2006
Blammo
Actual quote I just heard coming from downstairs, “Who pulled the pin out of my grenade? Now it won’t go back in.”
Well, it was nice knowing all of you.
May 11, 2006
Tutorial For sale
If you’re anything like me, you have a lot of space-wasting garbage on your hard drive. That’s why I developed this system that will clean everything off your computer that you no longer want. From old programs you forgot you had to spyware to out dated documents of any type. Getting rid of all that and more is as easy as following these three simple steps.
1. Back-up only one small folder of information you absolutely, positively can not lose.
2. Install a new OS, but screw it up so you end up formatting the entire hard drive.
3. Profit.
Don’t take my word for it, read this stunning customer testimonial:
“I lost everything”
~ Johnny
But wait, there’s more. Act now and I’ll also show you how to lose your original Windows XP installation disk. And for a limited time only, I’ll even include directions on how to end up with two identical copies of Linux on your computer.
May 10, 2006
Romance
I noticed him right away through the window. He came from around the corner wearing ripped and baggy jeans far below his waistline, held tight with a green and yellow belt. His black shirt, possibly one size too small, left enough space for a perfect view of his underwear. He was the epitome of youth, a scruffy, hung-over Adonis. Under normal circumstances, he would have blended in perfectly with the other disenchanted college students who flock to coffee shops. In fact, I only remember what he was wearing because it stood out in stark contrast against what he was carrying; behind his back he was holding asmall white teddy bear and two large pink carnations, stems wrapped delicately with tissue paper. Gifts which he presented to the woman behind the counter.
There’s something comforting about watching other people express their love for one another. It’s a reminder of the good still left in this world. Unabashed, I listened to their conversation, expecting either a request for forgiveness or a happy birthday message. Instead, from what I could piece together, the gift was actually more along the lines of a thank you note for an exceptional one-night stand. Apparently, he was a true romantic.
Years ago I considered myself a hopeless romantic but at some point, I finally realized the difference between love songs and real life. A combination of age related maturity and a string of relationship ending badly reduced me to what I would call a healthy romantic. I suppose it’s only fair to say, they actually reduced me to a cynic, but out of that cynicism grew a healthy romantic.
May 09, 2006
Open Letter From Way Back
To The Bassist In The Crappy Warm Up Band:
Let me be blunt; your band sucks harder than an atomic powered super-sized vacuum cleaner. Ignoring the fact your performance resembled a bunch of epileptic monkeys, not to mention the fact that real epileptic monkeys probably hold more entertainment value than your dismal performance did, please allow me to offer this one piece of constructive criticism. I don’t think I’m alone in my belief that it is not cool to spit a massive loogie into the air and catch it in your mouth. It’s actually quite disgusting and the fact that you, the bassist, the guy who’s rightful place is near the back, move to the front of the stage to do it, makes the act all the more revolting. You are obviously under the mistaken impression that catching loogies is the in thing to do. Maybe you think all the cool kids are doing it. You are wrong. Maybe if your act didn’t gross people out, you would have more fans. Think about it.
Good luck,
Johnny
May 04, 2006
Dude, You're Getting a Driver
While researching replacement software from the company that made my laptop I noticed this picture.
I can only assume their conversation is going something like this:
White Shirt, “Hey bro, what’s up?”
Black Shirt, “Dude I totally downloaded a driver.”
White Shirt, “That’s so awesome, high five!”
I think Averatec is trying to show drivers and manuals are no longer just for nerds and computer geeks, popular late-twenty-something dudes can use them too.
May 03, 2006
Withdrawal
You know what’s great about my meds? And by great, I of course mean really annoying. Their half life is so incredibly short that if I forget to take them twice in a row, I start going through withdrawal. Miss a few days, like if I ran out and had to call out of state to get my prescription refilled, well then it’s a whole lot of fun. Imagine if you will, that light headed sensation that hits when you stand up suddenly after lying down for a long time. Now imagine that same sensation coming on every 30-45 seconds. Good times. Oh yeah, and then when I get the script refilled I have go through getting the meds back into my system which means lots of extremely tense muscles, yawning, fidgeting and my personal favorite, lock-jaw. I was only at work for an hour or so yesterday when I decided I should be spending the day on the couch where I can yawn then struggle to relax the muscles in my jaw enough to close my mouth, while fidgeting and stretching constantly in the comfort of my own home. Yep, good times indeed. I’m feeling much better today. In fact, I think I’m going to go geocaching after work today.
May 02, 2006
Cold and Wet
I’m horribly uncomfortable at the moment. Not in the awkward social situation sense, or the strange burning sensation sense, but in the I’m sitting under a vent at work that’s blowing cold air on my thoroughly rain soaked clothing sense. My wipers were battling a rainstorm while I was driving to work this morning when the man on the radio informed me of a thirty percent chance of rain. Clearly, he had underestimated those chances. If thirty percent chances mean torrential downpour, I’d hate to see what shows up when rain is definitely in the forecast.