Johnny Rockstar

Dear Hollywood,

On behalf of moviegoers everywhere, please stop letting Uwe Boll make shitty movies. Every movie Uwe Boll is involved in turns to shit and he shouldn’t be allowed to enter a theater, much less a production set. His penchant for taking mediocre video games and turning them into awful movies makes me want to gouge out my eyes with a spoon, then disinfect the empty sockets with gasoline. The only thing more revolting than his terrible movies is his earnest belief that they are actually good. Come on, who really believes it’s a good idea to splice actual video game footage into a movie? I mean, what the hell is that about? I know the game-to-movie genre will never contain “great” movies, but does it have to contain Boll’s craptacular monstrosities? (Hint: The answer is no) I noticed that he has several game-to-movie adaptations scheduled for the near future; if you could perhaps make him “disappear” before they start filming, that would be great. Also, if it’s not too much trouble, maybe you could destroy every copy of every film he’s ever been involved with. I would be more than happy to help with that. I’ve heard lab rats forced to watch his movies actually developed eye cancer.

Thank you,
Movie Goers Everywhere
AKA Johnny Rockstar

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 08:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (19)

I miss my beard. Almost as much as I miss my piercings, I miss my beard. Granted, it was never a very good beard. It was definitely the patchy, uneven and scraggly beard of a college student. But it meant I didn’t have to shave, which means far more to me than looking good. I loathe shaving; I hate shaving with the passionate intensity of a thousand burning suns. I hate it so much that I only shave every other day and never on the weekends. And on the days I shave, I actually only use an electric beard trimmer with the guard removed. As a result, because I still don’t grow it in very thick, I walk around most of the time sporting a not quite five o’clock shadow. I like to say that it transforms my boyish good looks into rugged good looks. But really, I just hate shaving.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 08:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

I'm about 90 percent finished with the changes. By now I'm sure you've noticed the new rotating header. I'm calling for submissions; if you'd like to contribute, send pictures to johnnyismyhero@johnnyrockstar.net. Make them 658 px wide, 244 px tall and under 100kb (yes I changed it, I forgot to adjust for the border). If you don't feel like cropping and adding text but really want your picture up anyway, just send it as is and I'll take care of it.

Old:
I'm currently making major changes to the site. If you're reading this right now, you may not see it two minutes from now. Strange things are bound to happen here. Don't panic.

Older:
I didn't want to put up just half the site, but this is getting really frustrating, so I did. Enjoy the new index page, things should slowly begin to conform. For now, I need a break.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 05:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Is there any better feeling than getting a piece of popcorn kernel skin out from between your teeth after its been there for hours? I don’t think so. Is there any worse feeling than getting a piece of popcorn kernel skin out from between your teeth and then realizing it’s been days since you’ve had popcorn? I don’t think so.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 10:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

What did I do last night? Not a whole hell of a lot. I came home, sautéed the hell out of some fresh vegetables and ate dinner. I was planning on taking a walk after that, but the couch just fell so good that instead, I played several hours of Super Nintendo. After that I was going to do some sit-ups, but the couch still felt so good that I watched a little tv instead.

At some point I was going to finish the paper maché alien that I’ve been working on for so long; at some point I was going to make dough for the roasted garlic, eggplant and pepperoni pizza I have been meaning to make all week.

But the couch just felt so damn good and I didn’t have the energy to do any of those things. Until about ten o’clock that is. Right about the time I planned on going to bed, I woke up. So did about 200 sit-ups, and I checked my email. Then I went to bed and laid in the darkness, wide awake but trying to sleep for I don’t know how long.

Tonight though, tonight I’m going to take a walk, finish the alien, make some dough and do my sit-ups. Unless the couch feels too good…

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 01:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Your mother cooks janky collard greens.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 01:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I was in the grocery store a few days ago and I saw a young woman wearing scrubs and it got me thinking. All things being equal, in a perfect world and all that jazz, what are the top five sexiest jobs? In no particular order, this is what I came up with.

Nurse/Doctor – Not the sexy Halloween nurse but the honest to goodness, scrub wearing, life saving nurse… or doctor, I’m not picky. Smart as a whip and has a passion to help others makes for one sexy woman.

Elementary Teacher – There’s probably some deep psychological reason behind this one, but I choose not to think about that aspect. Women who want to help mold the minds of tomorrow’s leaders are very sexy.

Musician – Not a rockstar; rockstars have too much baggage. I’m talking about a small venue musician who plays primarily coffee shops, dirt bars and the occasional festival. Woman + Guitar = Sexy

Artist – Yes, musicians are artists too, but I want to separate them and this is my blog, so I can do it. Painter, sculptress or whatever I’m not persnickety (good word, eh?). Creativity and talent when combined can be extremely sexy. No modern art though. Modern art just isn’t cool.

Game Designer – Seriously, what’s hotter than a chick who likes to game? Maybe an elementary teacher wearing scrubs and playing the guitar while painting a picture… maybe. With my affinity for video games, it’s only natural I would find a woman who designs them to be teh h0tn355.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 11:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Yesterday I happened to look down at my hands and noticed the hair on my fingers was a wild mess. Right now you’re probably asking yourself, does Johnny really have that much hair on his fingers? The answer is yes, yes I do. It’s not that my fingers are covered in fur. It’s more like a moderate amount of unusually long mid-digital hair. But back to the topic at hand (seriously, no pun intended), I became obsessed with trying to smooth down some of particularly rowdy hairs but they would having nothing of it. In the end I gave up and resorted to simply plucking the ones that refused to lie down. What I really need is a tiny comb, like the kind that come with shaving kits, or crab shampoo.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 02:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It's been too long since I've done anything with the leaderboard, so here's a riddle. Points to be decided by how easy this is to solve.

There are no buildings in my towns
My rivers are dry
There are no cars on my roads
What am I?

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 10:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (29)

I haven’t had much to say lately, as there hasn’t been much going on, but I will say this: The best part of being a cook is that I can eat well just about any time I want. For example, as part of a project I’ve taken on at work, I have to spend hours scouring restaurant web pages and looking over their entire menus. That’s a lot of good food to look at which has really made me want to go out and get something very not healthy to eat. To quell that urge I went to the store after work today and bought a few key ingredients. Then for dinner I sautéed onions, red and green bell peppers, zucchini and low-fat jalapeño-Montereyjack sausage in olive oil and garlic. I couldn’t find a good baget, so I settled for some sort of French bread that I cut up and dipped in olive oil mixed with my secret blend of herbs and spices. Holy hell, was that ever a good dinner. Next up, fried eggplant and whole roasted garlic cloves.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 08:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 04:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Someone please buy me this shirt. Size = Large.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 02:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)