Johnny Rockstar

Last night I watched Willow for the first time in years. It had been in my Netflix queue for some time and I must admit, I was a little worried that it wouldn’t be as awesome as I remembered it. I’m happy to report that it is just as good now as it was eighteen years ago. I often find myself disappointed when I watch a movie that I loved as a child. Taste may change and sense of humor may change, but I guess you’re just never to old to enjoy the subtle humor of midgets getting crapped on by birds or the glorious spectacle of a catfight between two gray-haired old women. Seriously though, now that I’m older I was able to pick up on the important theme of no matter what you look like on the outside, it’s what your like on the inside that matters. But what struck me the most was how sweet I would look if I grew long hair and a big red beard with braids on either side of my chin. In every middle earth type movie there is always that one warrior with the big braided beard. Sometimes there’s even beads in it. I want a great big braided beard with beads.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 07:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I’ve been eating a lot of hummus lately. I few weeks back I discovered Walmart sells little plastic tubs full of that oh so delicious chick pea concoction and ever since, I’ve been eating two to three tubs of the stuff a week. Remember that fact because it will come into play later on.

Every so often I decide I need to get my ass off the couch and try to get in a little better shape. With that in mind, I took a walk around the neighborhood this morning. It was a cool outside, but with my leather jacket on I still managed to get warm and sweaty. Afterward, I was sitting on my couch watching television and I caught the smell of hummus. I didn’t see any old tubs of the stuff lying around so I gave myself the ol’ armpit sniff test. Sure enough, my sweat glands were excreting something disturbingly familiar to the exotic smell that is tahini and chick peas. I wonder if this will happen with anything I eat a lot of. Maybe I’ll try a diet of nothing but pork rinds for a few weeks and see how I smell then. Swinerific I bet.

P.S.
I would kill for some good Shwarma King hummus right now.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 03:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Dear Khaki Pants,

Hello Khaki Pants, how are you? Good I hope. I’m writing to ask, are you happy? I treat you well don’t I? I wash you often, I use fabric softener to keep you static free and fold you neatly so you don’t wrinkle. So why then, Khaki Pants, do you constantly pitch a huge tent every time I sit down? Are you trying to embarrass me? What did I do to deserve this insubordination? I treat my Jean Pants with reckless abandon, leaving them in crumpled piles next to my dresser and they don’t pitch massive tents. So why do you? What gives? I feel it necessary to inform you that if this doesn’t stop, I will burn you with an iron and buy a pair of nice black slacks.

Regards,
Johnny

P.S.
I hate you.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 01:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Last night I had a dream that I married a woman I didn’t love. It was one of those dreams where you drift in and out of consciousness as it goes on, so periodically I would wake up just enough to realize how crappy of a dream I was having before drifting back to sleep. I wouldn’t call it a nightmare, but it was definitely unsettling to watch myself pretending to be a happy newlywed while my wife pretended not to notice how miserable I was. The whole thing was frighteningly reminiscent of the last few months I spent with Alisa, which could account for just how disturbing the dream was to me. To be sure, I’ve been on both ends of this scenario before. I think that’s just part of the break up process in a relationship where neither partner wants to hurt the other; as one person falls out of love, the other doesn’t want to see it happening, and for a time neither is willing to act, so they both pretend. When I got on the Internet this morning I was compelled to seek out and watch this Leonard Cohen video. It’s not quite the same situation, but close enough to spark similar feelings.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 09:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Him: I don’t have to work tomorrow so I’ll probably call you then.
Me: I have to work to tomorrow.
Him: Oh yeah. Well, I’ll probably call you in the middle of the day and bug you then. It’ll be great.
Me: Okay.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 10:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Brace yourselves; I’m going to make a massive retraction that goes against everything I’ve been saying for years. As much as it pains me to say this, You’ve Got Mail is no longer my favorite chic flick. After a brief conversation with Bourke earlier this week and a viewing this evening, I have officially decided that I need to flip-flop my number one and two choices. Therefore, I say this now, Notting Hill is my all time favorite chic flick. Yes, it has a sort of formulaic plot, but it also has a decent soundtrack, superb cast playing great characters and some absolutely hilarious lines. It also has that one amazing single-shot scene where Hugh Grant walks through London while the seasons change, during which, if you look close you can watch several stories unfold. Plus Rhys Ifans has a fair amount of screen time, and any movie with a crazy masturbating Welshman who eats mayonnaise like yogurt, is a good movie as far as I’m concerned.

“Just going to the kitchen to get some food, then I'm going to tell you a story that will make your balls shrink to the size of raisins.”

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 10:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

There are several simple questions that can tell you a lot about a person. Which do you prefer, Elvis or the Beatles? Sure, it’s possible to like them both, but not equally. Choosing one or the other will expose part of your personality. The same goes with, dogs or cats? Personally I prefer dogs. Aside from the fact that cats are constantly judging me, they’re skittish and too fickle. Now dogs, dogs are great because, if treated right, they will love you unconditionally. They don’t judge you, they won’t ignore you and I think they have wider range of personality than cats. Dogs are excited to see you every time you come home. When I went home for Thanksgiving, Saki went ballistic when I walked inside. She could hardly control herself. Why? Because after a rocky start, we had developed a close relationship and she missed me. I may not like to admit it, but I missed her too and it felt good to see her like that. The evening that my dad came home from a few weeks away at school, Saki climbed all over him when he stretched out on the floor in front of the television. She wanted to cuddle with the master she had missed. Cats, for the most part, don’t get excited to see you. As long as there is food in their dish, they don’t care if you’re never home. I guess what it boils down to is, dogs are pack animals and cats are not. Dogs need companionship just as humans do. When was the last time you came home and your cat, or even your spouse/significant other was so excited to see you that they peed on the floor? Sure, it’s gross and messy. But nothing says I love you like an uncontrollable bladder.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 09:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Lately I’ve been reading a thesaurus. Yes, I know how that makes me sound, but the Oxford Writer’s Thesaurus contains hundreds of facinating short essays by various writers. Remember a few years back when a teacher came under-fire from ignorant do-gooders for using the word niggardly? I do. One of the essays in the aforementioned thesaurus tackles this oft-misunderstood word that has no racist basis whatsoever and points out that it actually comes from a Middle English word meaning miserly. The author then encourages other writers to use the word niggardly as often as possible, if for no other reason than to piss off ignorant do-gooders. Am I the only person who thinks it awesome that a mission statement like that made it into an Oxford publication?

As I’m in a literary mood at the moment I would also like to say that I don’t generally write poetry. I lack the patience needed to really do it right. However, I do occasionally write haikus focusing on banal topics. For some reason, I find it extremely funny, in a dry sort of way, to use the simplicity and resulting understated beauty of such an ancient art to express my feelings for random and moreover common “stuff.”

Golden delicious
You are not my favorite
I prefer Fuji

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 11:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I'm really not that anti-Valentine's Day, I just thought it was funny.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 08:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I must admit, I got a little homesick yesterday when Bryan called me from Gizzard City. He, Sarah, Jen and Chuck were drinking beer and eating all of Joe's finest fried foods; gizzards, Oreos, pickles and fries. I don't think they had the fried twinkie though. Same that. But man, just talking to those drunken bastards for five minutes sure made me wish I was sitting in Joe's Gizzard City with them. I hope I'm able to come home for Gizzardfest this year. Aside from the pounds of deep fried chicken guts I want to eat, it would also be nice to see Erich and Nora's wedding. But really, Gizzardfest is just a gun shooting, ball playing, beer drinking, Mohawk vomiting, gizzard eating, firework exploding, bonfire burning, backyard barbequing, car showing, mullet watching, face sunburning good time. Did I leave anything out?

In an unrelated note this guy is pretty amazing.

In another unrelated note, my good friend and confidant, Ryan has another photo to caption for the leader board.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 05:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

You know what the best part of creative writing is? The freedom. This morning I spent a few hours polishing a short piece I’ve been working on over the past couple weeks. I created a fictitious magazine called Dead Poets Weekly, invented a staff writer and sat him down with Count Guido da Montefeltro, a character in Dante’s Divine Comedy. My writer interviews The Count about his allegations that Dante broke the law when he misrepresented himself and entered Hell. As the interview progressed, the motives and actions behind The Count evolved way beyond what I had originally created. Even the concept of Hell drastically changed. Then, when it was nearly done I also invented an editor and put in a brief editors note. The editor also decided if and where brackets should be used to clarify what The Count was saying. The thing about writing a story, is that the characters, the good characters, really do take on a life of their own. I’ve been upset before when my characters did things that I didn’t want them to. But if I tried to stop them, everything would suddenly feel artificial. When I get really into something, I usually find a point where I’m no longer controlling my characters, just recording what they do. Somewhere, something deep in my head must be controlling them, but it’s not a part I can touch and that’s what I like. That freedom of tapping into my subconscious and letting my characters do what they want, that’s the best part of creative writing. That best part is also exhausting though. I think I’m going to take a nap then go for a walk. What are you going to do?

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 01:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

All right gang, I need your help. There's a rumor floating around that somewhere on my page is a picture of a naked cupid with an arrow shaped package. Personally, I have no clue what this is about and can't ever remember seeing anything like that. Do any of you ever remember seeing a picture like that on here? Or anywhere that could have been a link from here? Three points for the person who brings me that picture.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 10:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Depending on when the last time I announced new cartoons was, there are either two or four new ones for your enjoyment. I think it's pretty much impossible, but 5 points to anyone who can tell me what the cover of the book says in Uber-Nerd.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 02:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

7H15 P4G3 h45 b33n pwnd by teh R0(K5t4R !!1!!Eleven!!11!!!! That is to say, I just about have all the bugs worked out. Turns out the JavaScript for my rollovers was inside some strange movable type code. And the character set had gotten all screwy for some reason. Huck can tell his Prof to suck it. Viva La Apostrophes. But I fixed those things and I’m much happier about how things are working. Also I have the Health Watch back in place so we can all track how long it’s been since I’ve had fast food. A few more tweaks and I’ll consider the move successful.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 01:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

This is the new look, more or less. I still want to tweak a few things and fix a couple bugs. Also, this is the only page I worked on today, that means everything else still looks like it used to, and probably will for a while. In the meantime, two points for anyone who can tell me why my roll-over images aren’t working and an additional two points if you can tell me how to stop all my apostrophes and other random punctuation from being converted into this junk – ’. I've been trying to figure it out for a while, but I developed a splitting headache which I have to believe is partially due to staring at my computer screen for hours on end.

P.S.
Are all six images at the top on the same row on your screen?

P.P.S.
Let me know if your browser throws up a bunch of errors when you scroll over the images at the top.

P.P.P.S.
I have a new about page up if you want to see how the images are supposed to work.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 08:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I have this cassette tape. I’ve had it for years but I sort re-found last week. It’s just a few homemade recordings done by a few friends, but it contains some of the best music I’ve ever heard. Listening to it takes me back to some great times. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job down here and I don’t plan on moving anytime soon, but listening to this tape makes me really miss living in Kalamazoo. Though I have to admit most of my absolute best Kalamazoo memories come from before I actually lived there, I really miss my house with Kate and Amanda. I miss living near my Kalamazoo friends and only being an hour away from my Lansing and Potterville friends. I miss the culture in Kalamazoo, the theaters, coffee shops and eccentric people. I miss being able to find good live music just about any night of the week. I miss the dirt bars and the classy bars, live blues and the occasional burlesque show, the graveyard-come-park I had for a front yard, Geocaching and walking around Asylum Lake in the rain. When my lease runs out down here I’m considering moving out of town. I’d like to get a place halfway between work and a city where I can get my culture fix. I know I’ll be hard pressed to find a place that’s like where this tape takes me too. I just want someplace that’s a little more “me.” But in the meantime I’ve gotten things set up to transfer this old cassette to my lappy where everything will be converted into portable mp3 goodness.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 02:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

You may or may not have noticed that things look a little different here now. The killer coding ninja monkeys did their thing and this is the end result… or close to it. I plan on taking some time this weekend to make things look similar to, but not exactly, like the way they used to be. Also, the first time you comment here I have to approve you. So don't panic when your rye and witty remarks don’t show up right away. Anything else? Oh yes, US Pizza sucks.

Posted by Johnny Rockstar at 05:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)